Overview

Everyone gets angry from time to time. Anger and arguments are normal parts of healthy relationships. But anger that leads to threatening, hitting, or hurting someone is not normal or healthy. It's a form of abuse. Physical, emotional, or sexual abuse is not okay in any relationship. When it occurs between spouses or partners or in a dating relationship, it is called intimate partner violence. This is a type of domestic abuse.

Domestic abuse is also called domestic violence. It isn't the same as having an argument now and then. It is a pattern of abuse that one person may use to control another.

Domestic violence can happen to anyone, at any age. It doesn't matter what race, religion, or gender people are, what their level of education is, or how much money they make. It's a common problem in the United States.

Signs of abuse

Does someone in your life:

• Embarrass you with put-downs?
• Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
• Control what you do, who you see or talk to, or where you go?
• Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
• Take your money or paychecks, make you ask for money, or refuse to give you money?
• Make all of the decisions?
• Tell you that you're a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
• Prevent you from working or going to school?
• Act like the abuse is no big deal or is your fault, or even deny doing it?
• Destroy your property or threaten to hurt or kill your pets?
• Intimidate you with guns, knives, or other weapons?
• Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
• Threaten to kill themself?
• Threaten to kill you?
• Prevent you from using birth control or from protecting yourself from sexually transmitted infections (STIs)/HIV?

If any of these things are happening, you need to get help. It's important to know that you are not alone and the abuse isn't your fault. There is no excuse for domestic abuse or violence. There are resources available that can help keep you safe.

Domestic abuse and your health

Living in an abusive relationship can cause long-term health problems. These include:

People who are sexually abused by their partners have a higher chance of having sexually transmitted infections, unplanned pregnancy, and other problems.

Abuse can happen more often and get worse during pregnancy. People who are abused are more likely to have problems such as low weight gain, anemia, infections, and bleeding during pregnancy. Abuse during this time may increase the baby's risk of low birth weight, premature birth, or death.

How to get help

Abusers often blame the victim for the abuse. They may say "you made me do it." This is not true. People are responsible for their own actions. They may say they're sorry and tell you it will never happen again, even though it already has.

If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you aren't alone. Ask family and friends for help and support. Your doctor, a counselor, your employer, or a faith leader can help you connect with resources for people experiencing abuse. National hotlines can also help you find resources in your area.

Self-Care

If you want to save this information but don't think it is safe to take it home, see if a trusted friend can keep it for you. Plan ahead. Know who you can call for help, and memorize the phone number. Be careful online, too. Your online activity may be seen by others. Do not use your personal computer or device to read about this topic. Use a safe computer, such as one at work, a friend's home, or a library.

If you are in an abusive relationship, it's very important to make a plan for dealing with a threatening situation. And if your partner has threatened to harm you or your child, seek help.

• Anytime you are in danger, call 911.
• If you don't have a safe place to stay, tell a friend, a counselor, your doctor, or a faith leader. Don't feel that you have to hide what is happening.
• Have a safety plan for how to leave your home, where to go, where to stay, and what to take in case you need to get out quickly.
• If your partner is abusive, don't tell them about your plan, so you can stay safe after you're away.
• For more help in making your plan, call:
  • The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Or go to www.thehotline.org to visit the website.
  • Your local police department, hospital, or clinic for the local crisis line or for names of shelters and safe homes near you.

Other things you can do

• If you are seeing a counselor, be sure to go to all appointments.
• Teach your children how to call for help in an emergency.
• Be alert to warning signs, such as threats or drinking. This can help you avoid danger.
• If you can, make sure that there are no guns or other weapons in your home.
• If you are working, contact your human resources department or employee assistance program to find out what help is available to you.

If you are in an abusive relationship, ask for help. This may be hard, but know that you aren't alone. Help is available.

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Or go to www.thehotline.org to visit the website.
• The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY). Or go to www.loveisrespect.org to visit the website.
• The Childhelp Line toll-free at 1-800-4-A-CHILD (1-800-422-4453). Or go to www.childhelp.org to visit the website.

If you no longer live with your abuser, contact the police to get a protective order (restraining order) if your abuser continues to harass or pursue you, threaten you, or act violently toward you.

If you've been a victim of abuse and still have problems related to the abuse, you may be affected by depression or post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). These conditions can be treated. Talk to your doctor about getting help.

Ways to support others

Here are some things you can do to help a friend or family member who is in an abusive relationship:

• Let your friend know that you are willing to listen whenever they want to talk. Don't confront your friend if they're not ready to talk. Encourage your friend to talk to their doctor or a counselor. If your friend is someone you work with, suggest they talk to the human resources manager or their supervisor to see what resources might be available.
• Tell your friend that the abuse is not their fault and that no one deserves to be abused. Remind them that domestic violence is against the law and that help is available. Be understanding if your friend is unable to leave. They likely know the situation best and when it is safest to leave.
• If your friend has children, gently point out that you are concerned that the violence is affecting the kids. Sometimes it's hard for people in abusive situations to see the harm it has on their children.
• Encourage and help your friend make a plan for staying safe while in an abusive relationship. Support your friend if they are preparing to leave a violent relationship. Learn about how the person can stay safe after leaving.
• The most dangerous time may be when your friend is leaving the abusive relationship. So make sure that any advice you give about leaving is informed and practical.

The most important step is to help your friend contact local domestic violence groups. There are local programs across the country that provide options for safety, support, needed information and services, and legal support. To find the nearest program, call:

• The National Domestic Violence Hotline toll-free at 1-800-799-SAFE (1-800-799-7233). Or go to www.thehotline.org to visit the website.
• The National Teen Dating Abuse Hotline toll-free at 1-866-331-9474 or (1-866-331-8453 TTY).

Be careful giving your friend written information. It may not be safe for them to take it home. See if you can keep it for them. Your friend should be careful online too. Their online activity may be seen by others. They shouldn't use their personal computer or device to search for these programs. Offer to let your friend use your computer or device. Or they could use a safe computer at work or a library.

When to call for help during self-care

Call a doctor if problems from violence or abuse occur more often or are more severe.

Learn more

Preparing For Your Appointment